she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
