He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
