Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
