I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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