Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
