i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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