I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize