So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
