I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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