I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
