Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
