grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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