u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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