today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
