sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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