I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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