cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize