hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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