There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just forgot I was standing up.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
