you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
