I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
