sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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