Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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