So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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