He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Randomize
