Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
