You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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