i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I am one with the molecules
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
