best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize