So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
