Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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