her facebook's as public as her vagina
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
