Dude my mom stole all your condoms
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
