the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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