Please, let me fuck your mom
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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