dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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