I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
