if only i could text you this smell
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
