Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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