I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
