sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
