I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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