I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
