I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
