I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
