I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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