I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
