One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize