I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
