Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
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