I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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