I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
