When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
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