I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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