Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
