The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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