If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
