So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
