I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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