i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
