I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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