I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
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