I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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