his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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