the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
